


What Were You Thinking?

by UnitedKatesofAmerica



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Episode Related, Episode: s18e02 Making a Rapist, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Past Character Death, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-27
Updated: 2019-04-27
Packaged: 2020-02-07 11:54:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18620122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UnitedKatesofAmerica/pseuds/UnitedKatesofAmerica
Summary: “Hold on, so you were aware that he had an affection for you? That he had a desire to make you happy?” Olivia asked, disbelief—or frustration, maybe a little of both—clear across her face as she stared both of her detectives down, the weight of Rafael's presence steady behind her.“Lieutenant, listen, I was there, alright,” Sonny jumped in before Amanda opened her mouth to reply, hands gesticulating placatingly between the two women, “Rollins didn’t lead him.”“Don’t make excuses for her,” Rafael snapped, hand waved around in total dismissal of Sonny’s statement. “That’s not what the jury thinks.”“—Oh c’mon,” Sonny muttered, tone laced heavily with barely concealed anger and accusations as he pointed a finger back towards Rafael and shot back, the volume of his voice raising with every word. “Y’know what, Counselor, it’s not Rollins’ fault that Buchanan spun that kid upside down and you didn’t know how to stop it!”“Okay, thank you,” Olivia stepped up, frown set as she looked between the two men. “We’re done.”





	What Were You Thinking?

**Author's Note:**

> Hi so no excuse for not updating Abuelita Knows Best but we're here now, so I hope you enjoy!

_“Hold on, so you were aware that he had an affection for you? That he had a desire to make you happy?” Olivia asked, disbelief—or frustration, maybe a little of both—clear across her face as she stared both of her detectives down, the weight of Rafael's presence steady behind her._

  _“Lieutenant, listen, I was there, alright,” Sonny jumped in before Amanda opened her mouth to reply, hands gesticulating placatingly between the two women, “Rollins didn’t lead him.”_

_“Don’t make excuses for her,” Rafael snapped, hand waved around in total dismissal of Sonny’s statement. “That’s not what the jury thinks.”_

_“—Oh c’mon,” Sonny muttered, tone laced heavily with barely concealed anger and accusations as he pointed a finger back towards Rafael and shot back, the volume of his voice raising with every word. “Y’know what, Counselor, it’s not Rollins’ fault that Buchanan spun that kid upside down and you didn’t know how to stop it!”_

_“Okay, thank you,” Olivia stepped up, frown set as she looked between the two men. “We’re done.”_

_With one final, glaring look the ADA”s direction which Rafael returned ten-fold, Sonny and Amanda took their cue from their superior to leave and turned foot to stalk out of 1 Hogan Place._

 

* * *

 

 

"Trouble in paradise?" Amanda asked as she leant against the coffee stand outside of the courthouse, thumb jerked back in the direction they'd just come from.

 "Huh? Oh--no, I mean, I dunno," Sonny sighed, eyes downcast as he scuffed the toe of his shoe against the concrete while they waited for their coffees. "Rafael's just under a lot of pressure with the DA's office and you've seen 'em, him and the Lieu have been at each other's throats every other day. It's all just really starting to piss me off, y'know. And on top of that--" Sonny stopped short and inhaled, taking a moment to choose his next words carefully. 

It wasn't his place to share all of Rafael's, or their relationship's, issues with others without talking to him about it first. Especially not with their coworkers, as much as he trusted Amanda and often reached out to her when he needed outside perspective on something.

Nothing ever good came of talking about your partner partner with your work partner behind the other's back. He'd learned that from experience.

So instead, Sonny smiled and nudged Amanda with his shoulder. "'Sides, you're my partner and like I said, I was there, and you didn't do nothing wrong."

And while Amanda didn't look convinced for a minute, she nodded and dropped the subject. When Sonny was ready to talk, he'd talk. She knew that for a fact.

"Alright, sunshine, c'mon, let's get back to work." 

 

* * *

 

"What were you _thinking_ throwing the blame on me like that after court? In front of Olivia and Amanda too?" Rafael asked the moment he stepped into their apartment that night, because he knew after talking to Olivia after she'd left his office that Sonny had left the station a few hours later after he'd been in court trying to fix the mess that Rollins had put them in. "Or did all of your studies at the prestigious Fordham Law School vanish from your brain that moment Amanda metaphorically shot herself, and this _case_ , in the foot?" 

"Hi, honey, glad you're home, my day was great how was yours--seriously, Rafa? We're doing this now? Right now?" Sonny groaned as he appeared in the front hallway, apron wrapped around his waist with red sauce splattered across the front and ladle in hand. "Dinner's almost ready, we can talk after we eat, alright? We haven't had dinner together in four days. I got wine...dessert is in the fridge...c'mon."

Sonny had promised himself that any night he managed to get home before Rafael, he'd cook them both dinner. For one, it helped him to process the day's events, the cases and personal problems he faced daily, so that he could focus on his partner when he himself got home. Secondly, Rafael had lived off of takeout before they got together and Sonny refused to let that trend continue once he'd finally moved in. On late nights, sure, take out was easy and they could crawl in bed and focus on getting any sleep they could. And probably the most important reason, he liked it. He'd grown up learning to cook with his Nonna, his Ma, and his sisters. And he wanted to be able to do that with his children, if it ever came to that. 

"Oh so would you like to ignore _this_ argument but not the one you've been holding against me for the last, what, two weeks instead?" Rafael prompted, briefcase and suit jacket now gracefully discarded in their respective places as he walked further into the apartment. "What has gotten into you, Dominick?"

Nostrils flared and jaw clenched to stop the retort that sat on his tongue, Sonny turned and made his way back to the stove, checking all of the pots and pans on the stovetop before he returned his attention back to his partner, hurt and anger mixed in the swirling blue of his eyes as he looked at Rafael over his shoulder. "I'm not the one that's avoiding the real reason we're here, doing this, Rafael." 

Rafael stopped short of entering the galley-styled kitchen, shoulder leant against the door frame as he cooly regarded his partner. "Pray tell, what is the _real_  reason as to why we're here, then. Because I sure as hell don't understand anything you're saying right now." 

"I don't know either!" Sonny raised his voice, ladle forgotten in the pot of bubbling sauce as he turned to fully face Rafael. "That's just it! You can't even trust _me_ to tell you the truth about what happened with Charlie when he ID'ed Shawn? Amanda's my partner, sure, but y'know I wouldn't lie to you about what happened and that just broke that camel's back after the last two weeks. Because-because y'know I was upset about what happened with your Ma at dinner two weeks ago, for Christ's sake, and you just...you just _sat_ there and didn't try to stand up for me--for us! Trust me, I know you've got a ton of stuff going on between the DA's office and with the Lieu, Jesus Christ that's a whole 'nother story too, you're busy and stressed, I get it! But I haven't seen you outside of work in four days because I'm either pulling OT or you're caught up with work yourself. I _know_ you're busy but I don't know anything other than that because you won't  _talk_ to me about it! ." 

The reply Rafael had already begun to form died instantly on his lips as he studied Sonny, his shoulders shaking with emotion, blond hair drooped over his forehead and free of product from the steam of the boiling pasta water. "...that's really what this is about? What happened with my mother?"

"Oh for--" Sonny paused, fingers pinched at the bridge of his nose to stop the pricking behind his eyes. "Yes, Rafael, Holy Hell, that is exactly what it is about! Because as you so clearly pointed out, that is what it's been about the last two weeks since it happened! But you won't give me the time of day, even thirty minutes when we commute or _after dinner_ , even, to sit down and sort it out so it just keeps getting worse! And everything else happening with work is just the cherry on top!" A heavy weight settled in Sonny's stomach as he let the words continue to tumble from his mouth. "Do you know _why_ it bothers me so much? Because, _because_ , when your mother, the lady I've been trying to gain approval from for, what, the past two years since we've been together? When she asks when you're going to stop playing house with your 'boy toy', since I'm also barred from trying to speak Spanish in her presence, and all you can say is 'Mom' in that tone you got from _her,_ mind you! And you can't think to say anything else? Not, 'well I love him, Ma,' or 'I wish you wouldn't speak like that about the man I care about, Ma,' or Jesus any other number of things you could say since you've apparently got such a way of words with everything else!"

Rafael swallowed and stepped forward cautiously, as if he were approaching a startled animal. "Sonny, you can't possibly think..." 

"Can't think what?" Sonny asked agitatedly, every word clipped and detached despite the tears threatening to spill over his lash line, his breaths stuttering even as he continued to ramble. "What happens if, God forbid, one of us dies tomorrow? Huh? You think I want my parents to think I've just been shacked up with you all this time because it's _fun_? That this wasn't _real_? Because that sounds exactly like what--fuck, none of us even knew Mike had a fianceé before he was in the hospital with a bullet in him and brain dead! What happens if I die, what'll people think about--" 

"Sonny, stop, _stop_ ," Rafael whispered, both hands placed gently on the younger man's hips as he closed the distance between them, green eyes dark with grief and concern. "Breathe with me, cariño...no one's dying." 

"You can't promise that," Sonny exhaled shakily, his head dropped to rest his forehead on Rafael's shoulder as the flight drained from his over-exhausted frame, long arms wrapped deftly around the older man's body to keep him close. "You c-can't. I can't promise I'll come back any time I walk out of that door and you know that. Just like that, with one call, and I could be gone too." 

"What happened with Sergeant Dodds was a terrible, terrible tragedy," Rafael repeated the same thing he had to his partner since the man's death months prior, between nightmares and during the few somber moments they'd been granted to mourn the loss of one of their own, hands working deftly against Sonny's back as he waited until his partner's breathing returned to a somewhat normal pattern before he spoke again. "But that's not what's happening here. Not with us." 

Sonny's laugh was tainted with bitterness. "It's not? Sure coulda fooled me." 

"Dominick," Rafael warned lightly, though he didn't pull away from the other man's hold. Part of the blame for _this_ did rest on him, for avoiding this conversation, for allowing the argument to fester and become something he never intended it to be in Sonny's mind. "No, it's not. And had we talked about it, I could have told you that I spoke with Mami and she apologized many times for what she'd said at dinner...I didn't realize how hard you took what she said to heart and for that I'm sorry, mi amor."

"...what?" Sonny asked, straightening up to look down at Rafael with red rimmed eyes, confusion written across his face as he swiped at the tear tracks on his cheeks. "You really talked to her?"

Rafael snorted. "More like _she_ accosted _me_ in my office after days of ignoring her and having Carmen screen her calls...she didn't know how to apologize to you for what she'd said, and asked me to do it instead, but I told her she was going to have to grow up and do it herself...I was waiting for her to talk with you before I did. But, admittedly, like you said, the last two weeks have been quite chaotic. That, or she hasn't found the right words to say to you, yet." 

The first feeling Sonny felt as relief. So Lucia _didn't_ hate him, or think of his as some fleeting romance in Rafael's life, at least not completely. The next feeling was dread, followed by guilt, for allowing himself to take the last two weeks, and especially their professional work that day in court, out of context and twist to use as a way to project his insecurities and fears onto. "I...shit, Rafa, I'm so sorry," Sonny apologized, head ducked in shame. "Christ Almighty, between the threats and work and Mike-and Mike...it all got to be too much. It's no excuse for how I acted in your office in front of the Lieu and 'Manda, though...I'm sorry." 

"I forgive you--I already forgave you," Rafael murmured, taking Sonny's chin between his thumb and index finger to guide him into a soft, reassuring kiss when it looked like Sonny was ready to protest. "I do, cariño. Things have been tense and we haven't communicated like we could have. But we're here right now..." Rafael squeezed Sonny's hip with his free hand before he peaked over his shoulder to the stove top to check that no fires had started since their attention had been pulled away from their dinner in the making. "So how about we have dinner and take a shower and then we'll finish talking about this after? I promise we will, no matter how long it takes."

"Sounds perfect," Sonny agreed, stole a quick kiss from Rafael once more, and pulled away to return to finish prepping their meal in relative silence. "You wanna get the wine out and set the table? I'll be right in." 

Rafael nodded and set about his tasks, only pausing a few minutes later when Sonny reached out to grasp his hand not full of wine glasses, green eyes full of questions at the look his partner gave him. "Sonny?" 

With a sad smile, Sonny dropped a kiss to Rafael's temple before he released him. "Thanks, Raf..." It was a loaded statement, Sonny knew, but there weren't, and probably would never be, enough words to ever convey his appreciation for the man in front of him. "I love you."

"Te amo, Sonny," Rafael hummed, eyes closed to soak in the soft press of lips to his hairline before he finished his duties and joined his partner for dinner. "Come, let's eat." 

The conversation after dinner would be hard, and there would be plenty more in the future, Sonny was certain, but with Rafael beside him as they drank their wine and fed one another bites of pasta between commercial breaks on TV, he was also sure that nothing could stop them if they were together. 

 


End file.
